jonathan friesen

Marriage

I believe marriage should be between a man and a woman.

Beep. Wrong answer. You ignorant loser.

I respect your right to believe otherwise, I but I believe marriage should be between a man and a woman.

Beep. Wrong answer. Bigot. Homophobe.

It's so great that in this country you can choose between gay marriage and traditional marriage, but I believe marriage should be between a man and a woman.

Beep. Wrong answer. Insensitive. No compassion. Pathetic.

We all hold different beliefs, and I will not condemn yours, but one of mine is that marriage should be between a man and a woman.

Beep. I'm sorry Ms. California. You lose. You had the audacity to say what you believed, what the majority of Americans believe, what the president believes. You lose. Go home. Get off the stage.

Don't fret it, Ms. California. You said what you believed. You spoke for most. That makes you Ms. USA in my book. 

Easter

What a great day. It means we win. Game over. Sure the other team will score some points and it'll look bleak, but the final score is set. We're on the right bench. Get ready to cheer.

I love this day, loved it before I knew why I loved it. I loved it when I thought chocolate bunnies ruled the moment. But now, oh my, but now? It doesn't get any better than this.

Happy Easter, everyone.

Pirates

Okay, so I get the problem. Merchant ships in international waters can't carry guns of any kind. Maritime Law. Fine. Dumb, but fine. Part two of the problem: bad guys don't seem to care much about the law. Which explains why six men in a rubber raft can float on out from Somalia and capture a huge US ship. It explains it, but something isn't right.

Water canons and sound guns (these buggers that are supposed to repel bad guys by hurting their ears, unless they stopped by the neighborhood Snyder's and bought earplugs) apparently don't do the trick, so what would? Australia plays Barry Manilow tunes to prevent mall looting. I guess that's too much for the average criminal to take, but these pirates don't seem average. 

Some ideas.

Archers. Yeah, it's old school, but we're talking rubber rafts. 

Hot oil sprayers. This is also from the middle ages, and somebody would cry unusual punishment for poor people just trying to make a living. But there would be few repeat offenders.

Lasers. We've been to moon. We can heat soup in 60 seconds in the microwave. We have to have some laser deal that burns through rubber in a few seconds. If not, what about a really big presentation pen light. Retina fryer. Should work.

Or, of course, we could simply give ships cruising along the East African coast a machine gun. Yes, we'd need to change the law. Yes, they'd need to declare it in their manifest, but it seems a small price to pay to avoid hostages and lost cargo. 

But what do I know? After all, those pirates are just redistributing world wealth-- taking from the rich and giving to the poor. Maybe that's why the admin. is silent on the crisis. Piracy--change we can believe in. 

American Idol

There's this show on called American Idol. Some of you may have heard of it. Well, I crawled out from beneath my rock and flipped to it this evening. Seems to be a competition. I will save everyone the burden of watching it by rating the singers for you and picking the winner.

1. Guy whose name was Snoop or Loop or ifoop--No chance of winning. Arrogant kid. Now here's a question. What are those three people and Paula Abdul doing out there? Are they the final say? Makes no sense. But the honest one on the end got it right on ifoop. Grade: D

2. Girl with tattoos covering half of her--Really no chance. Less of a chance than ifoop. Which is too bad cause she has this alternative thing going. She could do better, I bet, but she won't. Grade: D-

3. Danny Goggles or Goatee or something like that--I like this guy's voice. Just enough ugly in it to make it cool. The three people and Paula Abdul liked him too, so I'm thinking he has a shot. Grade: B+

4. Allison Red Hair--Right here I got lost because they started talking about her outfit, which was Cyndi Lauper or early Madonna and maybe that's half the show. But when I closed my eyes she sang better. Don't think she'll win. Hard to pick a performer you can't look at. Grade: C-

5. Person with the Bright lipstick singing the Dion cover--Big voice. That's cool. She could win. But she wasn't anything special to me. Grade: C-

6. Blind fellow--Awesome song. I just kept thinking what an awesome song. He sang it cool, too. He can't win, though. His voice is too pretty and his vibrato is too perfect. But it was a really good song. Grade: B

7. Goofy guy at piano surrounded by fans told to shout for him--Nothing about this guy impressed me. And he so wanted to. From the head whipping song to the tears in his eyes after the three plus Paula ripped him, I could tell he wanted me to like him so much. It's a curse, wanting to be liked. Grade: D- 

8. Guy the three judges and Paula Abdul think should win--Guy does look like a star. His voice can stretch like taffy. But I could take about three songs from that voice before I got tired of it. But he is the most exciting performer, and exciting matters, so he could win. Grade: B+

9. Unfortunate guy who had to go after the already crowned guy but who ended up being one of my favorite guys--Not only did he sing one of my faves, he was smart. You can't outscream the guy before you so you do something different. Something that I could listen to a whole CD of, given the right mood. I don't think he'll win. When it comes down to it, the voice isn't special. But it's proof you don't have to sing great to sing great. We'll pick him as the darkhorse in this event. Grade: B+

I might have missed someone, but that's all I remember. And as for the winner, it will be the guy who grabs his crotch and gyrates around and tries hard to convince you he's not dying inside, the wild one.

And for his sake, I hope he does win, cause what else is he going to do? (What do they win, anyway?) 

But that Danny guy. He has a voice that sounds like home, with all the joy and pain that brings. It's something that crotch guy can't touch. So secretly I'll vote for Danny. But since I don't have a converter box and my TV could stop working anytime, I'm relying on you to let me know how it all turns out.